Today was our big family Christmas gathering (which usually comes after the smaller family Christmas gathering on the 25th). Something that should have been quite obvious struck me (hard) out of the blue as we sat around and chatted uncomfortably with the people we see but once a year. I, being the youngest (before this recent influx of babies, at least), am the only one who has not yet married and/or had children, and found a rather spiffy job. I've not really done anything with my life... and really, it's kind of unsettling and frightening. If change was in the air, the tale would be different, but on the horizon I see no change in the wind. My job prospects are virtually nonexistent, and I am, evidently, unadored by the opposite sex, and most especially without love (though I am not without a fair share of regret and remorse to make up for it).

Even my friends are, if not married, in committed relationships (though, to speak fairly, many aren't especially stable). One of which shares a curse with me; when one of us is dating, the other is UNABLE to do so. Not from lack of desire, but from sheer inability. Some sort of cosmic limitation, I imagine. So if he gets married, I'm pretty screwed. (So right now I suppose it's just my curse). Believe me, I've tried to break that curse. But at this time, those who express interest are off limits and do so in jest, those who approach want the time, those who claim love either vanish without a a word of goodbye, or can't be bothered with taking time to spend a day together, those who look from afar are looking at someone past me, and those who DO approach and already know the time only want something I am unwilling to give without a significant stretch of dating (more than 2 minutes, to be sure).

I'm at a point where I've as good as thrown in the towel. It used to be the past that tortured me, which it still does, to be true, but only if I let my guard down. Now it's fear of a meaningless future that I fear. As one who strongly believes in fate, I used to feel I was destined for more than this. That my trip through this barren desert might parch me, but I could drink my fill at the end. Yet the past few months have made me unsure.

I've recently become aware what a toll others can take on me. Have you ever noticed a couple smiling at each other just because they are together, or sitting hand in hand, or randomly whispering forbidden knowledge to each other. Then you've no doubt felt what I have. That they are part of something deep and powerful that you are not and can never be. That makes you feel more alone because you want to see that smile and feel those hands and hear those words, all for you alone. It is those things that have destroyed old illusions of myself. That I was more of a loner and better that way. But seeing that other world that some are a part of makes me realize how very terrible leaving this world as that person would be. To leave it and not have known those forbidden secrets would be the greatest loss one could suffer.

devolve | evolve