...beneath these tragic waves
: musings : past : etch : others : speak : h#umor :
evolution of a species
Nov 28, 2000

(this entry isn't along the lines of most of my other entries. It's not funny and is just me complaining really. I'd delete it but I don't like to destory anything I write, no matter how bad)

Evolution is a painful process. Rather, it's a painful process when it's happening so quickly and seemingly only to you. The last few weeks, and in fact months, have been a great press upon me as a person. From having questions about my religious beliefs that had never occurred to me until recently, to my overwhelming feeling of being overly weak and innocent to survive in this world. When everything began to pile on me at once, it became quite clear that I needed to grow and adapt. While this was already going on and I just didn't take note, when I made the observation consciously finally, I could feel everything begin.

The main problem I've really had is I need to grow as far as relationships go. The things I am now dealing with for the first time are things others easily deal with and they expect to have to deal with. For me, I wish it were so easy. I've let things that happened long ago that I can not change now strongly effect my life today. It is, in the most literal sense, torture. Self-inflicted, yet torture all the same. The smallest things that others think nothing of send me close to insanity at times. Despite how much a lot of it still hurts though, I think I have grown more in the last few months than I had the years before. It doesn't hole me up in my room because I made myself sick thinking any longer (though there are moments I sometimes feel it like I used to). What I really need to work on now is progressing forward, rather than always reliving the past in my head. Better and easier times they were but I can't go back so I have to somehow make myself look forward more. Or perhaps less actually, as often times I look too far ahead and stress about things that haven't even happened yet and might never happen.

Vent #2 complete.

"soften this old armor"

devolve | evolve

.