I was speaking with an Australian friend of mine (whom I haven't really known long at all but can tell I'm going to greatly enjoy the company of) about the problems with the place I live and how that all we have in this state is cotton. Cotton, being the (apparently) memorable fabric it is, seems to have stuck in her head and she told me last night that there is a "pale, blonde haired girl" where she does Capoeira (mmm) that is called Cotton. Of course, this is a nickname (I pray) but I can't help but feel bad for her. I guess if it bothered her so bad she'd have said something by now. I honestly don't have anything else to say about this...just, if any of you pray or anything like that, remember this poor girl when you do. Or even if you just give thanks to your deity of choice... "Oh [deity], thank you for your kindness and for your blessings. Please look after those less fortunate than myself; the poor, the sick, and those named Cotton."

we're movin' on up
warning: I'm not exactly whining but I'm not exactly cheering...I know I said I'd stop but hey, this is my life and I still have stuff to flush out. Anyway, this bit isn't at all funny...I don't think...I know; "not like the others are" but this is even less so. Last whine (in a row at least), I promise. Blah.

As more and more (and more still) things here go awry and don't at all follow my original plans/hopes, the desire to move away increases greatly (especially in the last week or so). At the start when the idea was first proposed, it was just an idea. A "that would be kinda fun" type situation. Day by day it has evolved into "I can't stay here another day! I have to get out!"

It's not so much that I hate where I live. It's really not all that bad, as far as event-less, racist-filled (cos you know...OTHER places don't have racism), cotton-growing states go. Yes, the whole state is the same pretty much so there is no escape but to relocate to a different one. And honestly, it's not so much that I just want a change of scene (though that is an excellent bonus), but rather that I increasingly associate living here with being around things that I'm not happy with in my life. At first I figured it was just a phase and things would improve but now I'm at the end. I just feel there is nothing left for me here. I'll miss family and my friends that remain of course but it's not enough to hold me. I feel I need to restart...right when I'm finally beginning.

The only thing that really is important to me now is that this is the place I (somehow) forged myself into who I am (and I mean that in a "boy with blood-covered hands is forged into a man at the heart of war" kind of way), both the good aspects and the ones I wish to work on. Ironically, the problems I wish to escape (even if they are inescapable internally) are also trials that have shaped me. And while I feel I'm a much better person for it (though I seemed to be better off when I was a jerk somehow...I can't win) I don't know I'd keep things the same if I had the choice, as it was/is a painful price to pay. Perhaps I wouldn't give it up but I'd change the way things finished (and it seems truly finished this time, I say with sadness) in a second. Many things changed because of thoughtless actions on my part and while in the end (well, up to present anyway) I was better for it, others were not and I feel responsible. Not something you can ever change nor apologize for.

Aside from all this, some of the people who play bigger roles in my life are moving as well. My best friend specifically, who is moving to PA to go to school and be around his girlfriend (and, like me, to get away from this state no doubt). Since he's the only person I really hang out with (especially now, that things went way off with others just when I thought they were brightening) and can relate to on certain levels, I am going to be BORED. I can't blame him as I'd go in his situation (and if I could finish school this semester, I'd be gone before the end of summer). Another good friend of mine, who used to be my teacher, is moving back to where she belongs; France. Can't blame HER, that is for sure. I'd go to France just to be a bum. That'd be an great place to live, I've no doubt. Except for that whole speaking French thing, of course. But hey, I can always learn.

It's kind of sickeningly funny; now that people I've missed for so long and wanted to be around are moving BACK here, I'm moving to get away. I honestly couldn't tell you if I'm moving to get away from them or just moving away to get away from the situation since I know now that it's never going to improve (you have no idea how hard that is to admit...now I just have to do it to myself). It's amazing how many unexpected things...things that were the LAST worry of your mind, can end up being the thing to screw you over.

Perhaps I'll have better appeal if I go back to being an ass. Worked the first time.

devolve | evolve