I don't know what it is about my local Subway that attracts the type people it does, but just about every visit some notable event takes place. From the previously linked tale, to untold epics of diva's snapping their fingers 3 consecutive times in a 'Z' formation (like a rapping Zorro with big fake hair) in the faces of the workers while saying "I don't think so! No lettuce," to the upcoming scene of woe and despair.

Perhaps not unexpectedly, I was hungry and felt it high time I grab some lunch before I pass out (yet again) at my desk. It was a slow, quiet day in the world of Sandwich Artists and I found myself behind but one person, a middle-age "man" who was casually leaning on the counter looking very passive to all around him. I move my fingers in a "ooo, foxy lady" (but only not on top of my head and closer to each other) type manner when I say "man" because, as indicated by his painfully colorful work badge, he was one of the "Seven Dwarf Miners" which is apparently a mining company around here. I'd never heard of it before and I could have lived to the end of my days just fine that way. Yet here I was, confronted with the beast. The badge, colorful as I pointed out, even had the picture of all the Seven Dwarves from the Disney cartoon. Seems like something I'd want to hide if I had such a badge but he displayed it proudly. He was very clean and overly souped up with technology (cell phone, beeper, etc) so I had to assume he wasn't one of the miner dwarves, but rather a white-collar worker dwarf. As I stared on in amused shock at his groin area, for sadly that is where the badge was (which he didn't notice me staring at...sadly I might say because that would have made for a better story, which isn't hard as you shall see), he began to speak loudly and become slightly red at the face.

I heard various fragmented bursts of chatter, as I guess dwarves struggle with English, about "it says right here" and "I don't want a drink." It occurred to me he was trying to turn in a coupon. It was one of those we all know that say in large print "Free _____" (in this instance, Sub) and then in slightly smaller (i.e. microscopic) print, "with purchase of a drink" (in this case, "with purchase of chips or drink). While I must agree the fine print is a bother at times, at the ripe age of 20 I've learned that most all coupons have such "loopholes" and I'm smart enough to look at it before I rush headlong to get my free _____. The dwarf, being a good 35-40 years of age, should have seen it coming, especially with his "I'm always in a cave so I can see well" type vision.

Well he didn't like it. No sir. He didn't WANT a drink. He didn't WANT chips. The drink (or chips) he'd have to purchase would have run him 1.07 total. That is a pretty good price for a meaty, 12-inch sub plus chips or drink if you ask me (and even if you don't, I have free dictatorial reign here). I can see him being slightly disappointed it wasn't totally free after expecting it to be so, for I might have been myself but only for a split second. But it's not like he was broke. He's a miner. Mines have gold! Okay well, he wasn't broke at any rate for he had a stack of bills in his hand which, might I add, he had pulled out before even giving them the coupon. So I'm thinking either he just wanted to show off his money to the Subway folk since they evidently don't know what money looks like, or he knew what the deal was but just wanted to be an ass ("either way"). Mission accomplished.

The Subway people tried to tell him what the deal was, and even pointed out the print on the paper but he wasn't having it. Apparently just because he failed to read meant he was entitled to get that free sub. There were two people helping this poor, misguided dwarf (while I sat at the end not being helped) when he told the manager, boldly and very undwarf like (because dwarves can't be mathematicians) "Can we take you out of this equation because you aren't really helping the product."

"..."
"..."
*blink*
"..."

That's exactly what everyone in the building said. I even heard the sound of cars crashing outside, a high pitched scream, then eerie silence as they too stared in shock and said the same. The dwarf looked on expectantly like it was the most natural and witty thing to say in the world. Then everything went back to normal (except the damned souls of all who heard him say that phrase) and the non-manager told him he was going to have to get one of the mentioned items. He began to make that face that children (and myself) do when they don't want to do something or they think something is so stupid they shouldn't be involved. The face that says "I'm right on the edge of whining, watch out!" You make the face, roll your head around slightly and follow it up with a breathy sigh of "gah". Repeat with an eye roll for emphasis.

When it finally dawned on him what his options were, he got both chips and drink, paying a good 2+ dollars more than what he originally intented! To top it off he got pretzels. I mean, I like pretzels alright but only as a last resort at a party that has nothing else to offer me (and they never do). When compared to such delicious flavors as Subway carries, pretzels just aren't an option. He stormed out two dollars lighter and somehow looking both pleased with himself and pissed at the world at the same time.

So my tale ends thusly. Pointless and silly as usual, but if you weren't used to that by now, you wouldn't be here.

fear
I must say, I get rather paranoid when I see hits from the Navy.mil on here. In fact, quite terrified. Terrified that they might try to put one of those little Navy hats on me.

forget about wiping your feet
Slow, semi-subtle, slight renovation has begun.