[part 1: the conscious] [part 2: the infinity]
My life has always been part of a machine. The general acceptance of a wholesome American family (minus the father in the household). Religion has always been something put into my life by various sources, though mainly by family. I was raised to believe a certain bit of religion as truth, accept it, and say no more. Ask no more. I didn't question anything taught to me for quite a long while into my life. Mainly because certain teachings were so drilled into my head that I was fearful of not agreeing with them. Fearful of the horrid fate that would await the unfaithful.

In the recent months, I have found myself increasingly confused with my position and beliefs in the spiritual realm. Which does not do as I like to know where I stand as I feel many things of this world are in fact otherworldly and I want to have some connection to that. To be connected to the underlying brilliance of the universe that is a part of us all.

It has been recently that I have felt the machine grow heavy. Organized religion, which had never until now occurred to me as a problem, felt a great weight on my shoulders. A burden I did not intend to bear, for I realize that religion should not be a burden as it has been all my life. I should not toil for it. I should not feel it an inconvenience. I should wish to embrace but for so long, I have wished little more than to sleep through it.

I believe all this internal turmoil began when I heard a preacher say with confidence "We all deserve hell." While I certainly don't believe all deserve heaven, I do not at all think everyone deserves hell. That simple statement, which drove everyone else to a standing chorus of "amen's" while I sat with my mouth gaping, is what began it all.

There are many bits that trouble me. The unbending drive of it all perhaps. The zero margin for error. The closed-mindedness of the entire world of organized religion. Many things bother me. Perhaps one of the larger troubles for me is that, often, I wish simply to keep within myself all that I feel religiously. I want to be thankful for the beauty of the world without sharing it. I want something that is mine, something simply for me, that I need not share with everyone. To experience something deep and profound within the confines of my own soul. I do not want to cry uncontrollably and hug strangers all across the building because they want to know what I'm feeling. I want something unique that no one else feels. Yet where I have been raised, that doesn't cut it. They keep everything out in the open and dig painfully deep. They often pull the enlightenment I experience from me by prying it all out and dissecting it. That is not truth, that is not faith. That is not what I desire.

My family members are all single-minded when it comes to religion. Often I've wished to discuss some of my thoughts and problems with them but with most, if you do not believe what they believe, then you're doomed to suffer in the molten pit. Which makes it hard to seek help for what confronts me when they are saying my questions are the harbinger of doom. Due to this, I have become very dodgy when it comes to speaking with them of religion. As I've said to friends, there is little I enjoy more than a good religious debate so not wanting to hear from my family at all on the subject is something. Even such keywords like "church" have me out of the door or changing the subject before they can tack "chicken" on the end meaning that is where they wanted to go for lunch (I'm sure you think I'm crazy if you don't have a Church's Chicken where you live... I don't even think we do anymore, but there you have it). Despite this, I have the best family, especially mother (who is more open-minded about such things than the rest) and grandparents, a person could ever be lucky enough to have. They are always there for me for anything I need, it just seems their inability to view their beliefs from a different perspective and see my confusion makes them unable to help me for once, and I find myself for the first time on a journey I must take alone. And of course, it is also the hardest journey.

When I say alone, I suppose I don't really mean that exactly. Luckily I also have good friends, though only one of them do I discuss such topics with. During my recent confusions, I did in fact talk to this individual who has gone through the same things I now am, and I must say I do feel a bit better about it all. I still have much to do however. I also find total strangers have helped me a great deal. Specifically the writer of this entry. That entry is the first time I've seen (at least, taken notice of since I was too blind myself to see past my childhood lessons) text that states almost exactly what I feel. Perhaps pointing to the whole entry isn't the way to go, as I do differ in opinion too (on points such as not believing in God at all) and I don't want you to just assume all the text is what I think. A short email from this person after addressing him with the problems I now face (which was probably better material for this entry... perhaps I should just paste it all in here) was a vast help to me. He offered me some amazing insight (which comes from the role he played religiously years ago) and advice. And most importantly, (and oddly) support. I am sure it is because he too has gone through what I am and knows how difficult it is. It is nice to get insight from a person who believes not what I do, yet can view my beliefs in a respectable manner. That is all too uncommon. I have to extend a great bit of thanks to this person, who I'm sure I'll be speaking to about this subject in days/weeks to come. My journey for my true belief has barely begun, after all.

No matter what truth is out there, and whatever I really believe deep within, I believe God would know the trouble religion causes people. I believe He would adjust for it, that because a person did not find the truth in their amazingly short life, as there are so many possibilities, that they would not be condemned for a unfinished search. There must be a common denominator that qualifies us for whatever is to come after this life, rather than the rigid never wavering teachings of the masses. I believe God made us to live and that living is exactly what we should do.

(Insight on this entry is not only welcomed, but begged for. Not for the quality of the entry, for I know about that already, but for the context. I should have written this right away when all my thoughts were there rather than having to struggle to remember any of them like I just did)

devolve | evolve