...beneath these tragic waves
: musings : past : etch : others : speak : h#umor :
I'm running out of titles
Sept 21, 2005

I've been doing a lot of thinking of late. Not because I want to, but because specific avenues of thinking have been forced into my mind and I cannot function unless I sort them out.

I heard from Loba not too long ago, rather out of the blue. And while I wanted to say "why are you here oout of nowhere", I couldn't help but be pleased. It's amazing how I can recognize her voice by the first syllable out of her mouth. All these years, and she's always somewhere in the back of my mind, even when I try and block it out. I guess that is a power you're granted when you're someones first love. I suppose part of it is because I have no place to direct such emotions, but it's mainly that she is a part of who I am, so I can't really not have her in my mind. I guess it's probably like that with everyone's first love, though. I know I've discussed this topic at length on these pages, despite long ago promising on the very same pages that this small nook of space would not turn into oh so many of those depressing journals out there (though I'm proud to say I kept that promise for the most part). But sometimes one just has to vent.

She is married now. Married and not, seemingly, as happy as I'd like to see her nor as she deserves. I always go to my good friend Ryan (you may have heard of him) when I'm feeling depressed about her, because he knows my tale better than any other and can always offer good advice. I have to ask of him "why did she chose to be unhappy and ill-treated by this man when I would have treated her so much better?". He doesn't have the answer for this. Who does?

We've both noticed a trend with the women we know. They are very good about looking at other relationships and saying to us, "my my, what ever is that girl thinking? She could do so much better than the man she is presently with," and we tend to nod our heads in agreement. Yet, when it comes to their own relationships, we shake our head and say the very same about them and wonder how they can be so blind because they land themselves in the very situation they just recently condemned. (Yes, yes I know men do it too).

So I look at this man she is with and the string of relationships since me and then I too shake my head. Yet there is a problem; the problem lies in the fact that I am not confident enough to say to myself that I am the only good one she out of the bunch. So then does that put me on par with these others that I have despised for having what I want? Am I no better but am too blind to see? A terrible thought. I wonder, if she still loves me as she says, why have I been time and again tossed to the wayside. Am I WORSE than these others and not know it? I could at least sleep better at night if I knew the person she was with was a good one. It's knowing that she could do better, yet has settled, that gives me nightmares. It keeps me up that maybe I'm one of those people that other might have said to her "you can do so much better".

Sometimes all it takes is the views of another, even as biased as mine, to open your eyes to reality. I think her current relationship is not what it should be. But she cannot see it, as I've mentioned. My bias takes away my power to comment on the situation. Comment and have impact, anyway.

As I was speaking to Ryan, a metaphor came to mind that I felt was fitting and he so enjoyed it, I told him I'd repeat it:
"It's like the way mechanics have broken down cars and plumbers have leaky faucets. Women have busted guys."
Not poetic but accurate, I think.

I lessen myself by wishing divorce on someone, yet I'm powerless to stop myself. Hopefully I can be forgiven for this malice that I hold in my heart.


"There's nothing in motion and I'm satisfied
No disappointment 'til I wake up
I don't want to wake up
Into clear space
Vivid visions in her shape"

devolve | evolve

.