I'm having one of those days and, as luck would have it, I'm unable to fall asleep to escape it as I wish to do. I've not had a case of insomnia of this degree in many years. I've laid upon my bed for nearly four hours, the lines in the ceiling now memorized, and my body hasn't even pretended to try to fall into peaceful slumber. I don't believe I've even blinked.

It has been a rather rocky road for me the last few weeks and it's all just catching up with me tonight, I imagine. All in all, "things" are going pretty decent, yet I crave more; I crave some sort of SUBSTANCE to my life. I've noticed an empty area within when I wake in the mornings that I have ignored so long I thought it had filled itself up and I was whole one more.

While I wish it was as simple as going through one of those "there's got to be more" phases, I'm not certain it is. I desire to be gifted with the ability to not look at what others have that I want and crave as I do. To be content that the things I want are better off in the hands of others even if, deep down, I know that's not true in certain cases.

It's really quite unlike me to be melancholy but I suppose everyone has to go through their moments.

I've never been especially gifted with words, as you will no doubt agree. My limited vocabulary, my inability to paint a visual scene or form any manner of affective analogy (but dammit, at least I know when to use a comma vs. an Oxford comma) all hamper my rather large enjoyment of writing. I've discovered as weak as my words are in this context, when it comes to important conversations, they are even more meaningless and frail. My words are empty; always unable to convey the importance of what I wish to say and instead leave me looking ignorant and desperate to the ones I love.

I've tried to express important notions over the years and recently, the weeks, and words have failed me as they ever do and at long last I've run out of them. I've nothing else to say.

Quite frankly, I'm tired of waiting for something worth getting up for in the morning to come along. Yet, after all these years of conditioning myself for patience, am I able to do anything else? And why do I now feel more impatient than ever?

devolve | evolve