I've notice lately I've picked up some rather frustrating habits. Throughout the course of my life, I always seem to have one bad habit at a time, some more extreme than others. Recently, however, it seems rather than having simply one, I have combined them into an unstoppable array of retardation which I can't seem to keep a grip on.

When I was younger, the habit was picking the nose (or is that now?). At the tender age of 5 I moved from wiping my nose on my clothes to putting it's contents on the underside of any furniture around (which is why I'm always afraid to touch the underside of things I've had since I was younger). After that phase, I moved into the world of odd sounds that one can make with the throat (which I can no longer make since I have no uvula anymore...I'll have to tell you about that) that I'd do so much and to such an amount that I'd almost make myself vomit. Yet for some reason, I couldn't stop doing it. We'd be sitting at the table playing a board game, with me at the end snorting like some maniacal pig and gagging. They'd tell me simply to "stop before you make yourself sick" which I'd go along with, logical an idea as it was. Yet not 30 seconds later I was at it again.

In the early teens I grew into my (up to this day, to some extent) favor of equality and symmetry. An obsessive problem I had was when walking, I'd have to make sure my feet not only stepped an even number of times (and my right foot had to always be the one that raises to the next number first) but also landed on things such as cracks in the pavement an equal amount. If I didn't do this, I'd feel out of balance and one side would feel as if it was much heavier than the other. So I'd hop on the foot that needed to catch up...no matter how many steps I needed. It was no uncommon to see my hopping one-footed down the block as I walked home from school or in the store with my mother walking behind me with her head hung in shame. To a smaller degree, I also felt I was giving favor to one side (though, in a way, I was giving favor to my champion; the right foot). Every once in a while I still get that feeling of uneven weight distribution but normally I can control myself (though yet again, it's not uncommon to catch me hopping around if I think no one is looking...and even if).

A less annoying one that's not so much a habit as a peeve is that I refuse to make two trips for anything at all if possible. When I move, I hope I can transfer my possessions in one trip because everything else is going to be left behind. It can be a pain when I bring in bags of groceries, all filled to the top with glass or jugs of milk where one mistake could spell (or spill! rimshot) certain doom (or at least a sour smelling pant leg...from the milk, that is). I end up walking in the house with both arms pilled on like clothes racks with so much stuff I can barely lift my arms to put the bags on the table. You've no idea how many time I've almost lost a finger because the bags were cutting the blood flow off.

For instance today I had a load of towels (the only thing I really know how to wash...I'm so incompetent) downstairs that I needed to bring up. I had also thrown some socks and washcloths in. The towels were stacked high and teetering on the brink of a collapse. To get the socks would mean I'd have to make that second trip. My solution? Stuff the ends of the once clean socks into my pants, not unlike the gun-slingers of old, and mosey on along. I got an odd look passing the people in the household for it but it seemed the only logical choice.

These are all small annoyances compared to my compilation of the last few weeks (could be months for all I know).

As I'm sure some people can attest to, my current arrangement of habits can be extremely aggravating after a bit of exposure.

First in the line up is my popping of the mouth. When I'm sitting quiet I feel the uncontrollable urge to pop my lips. You know the sound; like when a cartoon characters pulls a plunger from his face. Yet unlike cartoons, I make the sound repeatedly but the reason behind it alludes me. It seems to be contagious, though not to the extent of the chill induced spasms that were passed on to me by the previously mentioned person. He didn't catch my popping noise bug but a few others I've caught doing it when they weren't paying attention (bwhaha). It's almost as incidious as that one disease. Though not near as bad as the "click of death", obviously.

Next up is a squeak I do in my throat not unlike the ones I did when I was young but only now I do it more like a boy going through puberty (it's about time!) than a pig. I rarely do this one though (that I'm aware of) so it's not too big a deal.

Third comes as a pair. I like to twist my visage into hideous shapes like some beast from Greek Mythology. I combine this weird flexing of my eyebrows with a bite/roll down of my bottom lip move with my teeth. This is reason #4781 I'm not reeling in members of the opposite sex. While there are some women that are no doubt attracted by a man who distorts his face like he is eating sour candy and has stubbed his toe all at the same time (then makes popping sounds in their face), I've never met one myself. For your pleasure, here is what I look like making such a face. This is me being complacent.

songs of the office
Being in a sour mood the other day for some reason, I was cheered as I walked into work and was greeted to the loud bellowing of "Kiss You All Over" as my boss sang his heart out, not knowing anyone else was in the office. The look on his face when I tapped him on the shoulder, after I recovered from his surprise punch to the stomach, was priceless (not unlike spending time with your kids outside or being Maid of Honor at a wedding of a friend who's worth wearing a seafoam dress for).

devolve | evolve