It seems that as my life goes on, my ability to stay awake gets more and more inept. As I've mentioned in perhaps my longest entry ever, I have a condition called sleep apnea which (the after-effects of it) makes staying in the waking world an unreachable goal. I shouldn't have the condition as I've had two hellish surgeries to fix it but there you have it. Or there I have it, at any rate. Despite the fact that I have been getting a lot of exercise and sunlight (both of which are supposed to help), there is no change. And with as much of both as I've been getting lately, I should be so awake I only need to sleep once a week. Yet sadly, it's a bit backwards and I'm only fully awake around once a week. If I'm lucky.

This shows no sign of relenting and it's only going to get worse with winter quickly incoming. Winter almost doubles the affect of my problem. I can see myself like this all the way until I'm an old man, which I don't need nor want. From my own extensive research (i.e. watching old people), I gather it's hard enough to stay awake when you're old, but combined with my apnea, the only way people will even know I'm alive is by my snoring. I'll never actually be awake I'm sure.

If I do, by some miracle, manage to stay awake, I see myself as one of the old guys sitting on the porch with their trick joints, talking about the weather. I see myself out there with my two other old friends, them talking about a storm coming because a knee or elbow is acting up, then arguing while I stay silent off to the side of them. When they finally settle a bit, I see them asking my opinion if winter will be here early or not. I will reply, "Well, I'll tell ya..." and that's as far as I'd get because, indeed, winter is coming early and I'd just fallen asleep because of it. They won't even have to look at me, because the sound of my body hitting the floor after toppling from my chair will be all the response they need. I see myself having a broken hip often. Combine that with the fact I'll already have a broken hip because that seems to be the perpetual problem with a lot of old people, then you see what sort of a sad state I'll be in.

I hope one of you, or at least your "youngin's", will visit and bring me some soup.

devolve | evolve